Who In The What, Now?
No One Cares, Joey.
Underrated: The Fourth Kind
Okay, guys? Let’s all sit down for a heartfelt teen rap session. Shoot the shit, roundtable our hopes, fears and dreams. Sit, sit.
No, zip your mouth, I’ll go first - underrated horror flicks. Right? Let’s jam on that topic for a skōsh. You know, scary movies that came out and everyone was all “meh” at the time and the critics made fart noises about it and sometimes you’d see it on Netflix and think maaaaaaybe but then always just pass it by for an Iron Man or Season 2 of Cougartown? Those.
Then one night you figure why the frick not, I cannot watch another Lifetime marathon and you watch it and you’re like “Holy Shit, this is kinda scary. And good!” It’s the best kind of horror find because you and only you like it. Your hipster movie cred is solid. As a motherfuckin’ rock.
Here, I’m gonna throw one out to simmer on the table:
That alien one, starring the model? Came out and it was like “Is that a Close Encounters sequel? Some X-Files rip-off?”
Shut your whore mouth. It’s fucking scary.
It sure the fuck ain’t.
Psychologist Abbey Tyler travels to Nome, Alaska to continue her dead husbands research on a disappearances there. She counsels several residents who are having sleep issues - they recall seeing a white owl outside their window at 3:33am and then waking up terrified. If it was one person, a seasoned psychologist would gently suggest putting down the crack pipe but it is several different people. What’s happening? Unfortunately, they aren’t getting invites from Hogwarts.
It’s filmed like a documentary with re-enactments, so there’s model Mila Somethingrussian “playing the part” of the “real” Abbey.
Like twins!
Abbey’s psychoanalysis begins fairly relaxed…
Just breath.
…and ends with levitating and shrieking in an ancient dead language. Well, that can’t be good.
These are not E.T. aliens, come to study plant life and eat candy. They will snatch a bitch and break their neck. DAMN.
If I lived in an area where there actually were white owls and one landed on my window sill at night, I’d drop a steaming load in my drawers and pass out.
Ohhhh, Jesus. Be gentle, aliens!
Behold the freaky trailer:
The old woman, you guys. DYING.
(Source: videohall, via lolsofunny)
"Look, I’m not a prude. I’m married to an Italian. But I am disgusted. I live near what they call “The Bear House.” Last night, hairy, overweight men who call themselves bears were having sex outside the house. My children heard them. “Mommy, what’s that noise?” They actually asked me. I raced outside clapping my hands loudly and I yelled… “No blow jobs!” And they just laughed."
American Idol 11: Top 8 (is enough)
Yay! Fucking burning through this shit now!
Bye, Heejun. You were a nice guy and all, but no one is really gonna miss yo-
……..
Memories.
Light the corner of my mind.
Misty watercolor memories.
Of the way we were.
And just like that, Jlo’s silver tinsel skirt smacks us out of our homoerotic reverie and Tyler’s macrame craft vest snaps our shit back into focus. SO FUCKING HAPPY that after weeks of demure and casual, Jlo is back to hyperdiva fashion choices that would look desperate on a Solid Gold dancer and Steven has once again embraced his inner meemaw.
Naima in the house. Remember? Remember last year when this bitch sang “Umbrella” and fucking threw down high kicks while thunder sound effects rang around her? Last week Hailey shows up and now Naima. All the crazies have come home to roost and I say WELCOME.
Gwen Stefani and other No Doubt band member! Love Gwen but was it me or was something…off about her face? A little tight? Rhymes with gotox?
80’s night. No, don’t bother waiting for awesome 80’s music like Thompson Twins or Duran Duran - Deandre is gonna bring DeBarge to the stage. And not “Dancing in the Sheets”, either. Yet another boring, bland, whothefucklistenstothisshitanymore R&B high falsetto bullshit. Deserved to be shitcanned. Now get a haircut.
Once again picks a lovely song (if not a bit overplayed) in Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and is ass-fucked by Iovine who steers her toward an overplayed song that in no way suits her singing style. IGNORE IOVINE.
Duets!!! ”Islands in the Stream”. Corny ass song but God help me, I love it. Skylar + Dolly = :) Best backdrop, a literal stream. What, no islands?
Phil Squared once again, lookin’ sexy in interviews…
…and a geezer in the middle of a painful orgasm while playing. Listen, I dig Phil X 2 a hole to China but he is totally Jekyll and Hyde in the looks department.
Laugh out loud funny. She looks like that inbred Lawrence Welk singer Kristen Wiig does on SNL and he looks like an effeminate caveman. They sing “I’m So Excited” and unfortunately Jesse Spano does not show up to freak out on diet pills.
Oh for FUCK’S sake. Why even have Joshua on at all? Just have the goddamn choir sing for him. Enough of this bullshit. How is it even fair?
Sanchez takes on Whitney again, but it’s “How Will I Know?”, an easy Houston song to pull off. Points OFF for not wearing a ginormous head bow.
I forget what they sang - it was husky and growly and I felt like I was buying artisanal bread at an Andersonville lesbian co-op.
Still looks and sings about 30 years older than she is. It’s genuinely confusing. In rehearsals, she looks like an infant and then on stage, she’s suddenly a well-preserved 45 year old. It’s a problem.
Kinda rocked the Aretha and George Michael duet - best of the night.
Ryan with cheerleaders. “Can you do a herky?”, he asks. I know what a herky is. Know why? I’M GAY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
Hunts deer. Rides a “mud bike”. Republican VP nominee 2035.
American Idol 11: Top 9 - Let’s Move
I’m behind and that is unacceptable, so let’s just roll thru this shiz:
Pardon my ignorance, but what exactly does a deaf woman get from a singing competition? Is she there to make fun of them in sign language because I’ll cosign that loan.
Tommy, what bland, laughable version of Rock & Roll style are you offering up?
I totally see that tie-dye dress catapulting Heejan to a surprise Top 2. Make it happen.
Okay, let’s just stop. Stop this right now. This is an embarrassed trifecta, right here. On what planet do actual rock stars wear a shirt that says “Be an ICON”? Elise sings smoky odes to her uterus, she is not Miley Cyrus’ younger sister’s pet cat. Colton’s vest looks like it was cut out of felt.
This woman once blew cocaine up her own ass and now she’s a mentor on AI. Follow that line from point A to point Z and see if it doesn’t give you the spins.
Cries. Overly religious. Boooooooooored.
Song is “Gunpowder & Lead”. Fellas, don’t fuck with Skylar. That’s the ongoing theme of her song choices. She will cut a vein.
Loved this. Harmonies were spot on. Fleetwood Mac are the BEST.
Goodbye, mister. You were delightfully odd and sang songs that put me to sleep. I hope you turn up on some VH1 reality show where you hook up with a Basketball Wife.
Carrie Underwood is a good choice for her. I’m oh so tired of contemporary country - seriously, I’ll take Gaelic sonnets or African drum chants at this point - but it’s a direction she should go.
I’m sorry but that hair has got to go. It’s not cute.
Love this song and love that she sang it slow. Wish her vocals were more kick-ass, but still love me some Sanchez.
“How does a boy who makes that face make me this horny?” - you, me, Seacrest, Stevie Nicks, Marlee Matlin, your mom.
Only on American Idol can Dionne Warwick (on the Whitney Houston death tour, apparently), Jordan Sparks, Jason Derulio in a studded neck brace and two shiny homosexuals sit together in the audience and no one bat an eye.
Could possible win this thing. Just cute, nice and different enough. Needs to hit one out of the park.
YES.
American Idol 11: Top 10
Yeah, I watched about 10 minutes of Shannon getting kicked to the curb and passed. Elimination nights are only suspenseful when actual talented singers are vulnerable. Let’s hop right to Billy Joel Night.
I like Billy Joel songs - accessible to any age group but hard enough to pull off that they are challenging. Let’s see who fucks it up!
Oh! They also brought in Tommy Hilfiger to “style” the contestants and Tommy’s bland Americana version of Rock is perfect for this show.
White Jean jackets and rolled cuffs for everyone!
Deandre:
Tommy creams over his Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition circa 1987 hair, predictably, and suggests he use it to his advantage - forgetting that the last time Deandre let his hair do the performing, he didn’t even make it into the finals. Deandre remembers, see that face? Worried.
“Only The Good Die Young” - a song that’s the POV of a thuggish Bronx Italiano trying to convince a goody Catholic school girl to grant him access into her panties. ”Music Man” obsessed Deandre is probably the last person who springs to mind when I hear it. Not helping: singing like it’s the Up With People Halftime Spectacular. Boy needs to find his musical style, pronto.
Again with the fucking horn section. I don’t mean to belabor how much they irritate me but honestly, do they have a union that insists they play on every show in a line?
Erika:
Tommy wisely has her ditch the Avril pink highlights for something that suits the sophistication of her voice.
Love it. Totally suits her face and makes her look hot. ”New York State of Mind” done really well and fuck you, P. Diddy, with your “Oh, you GOTTA be a New Yorker to sing that song!” No, you don’t. Erika, I know you were inexplicably shit-canned this week but there are plenty of non-Iovine’s out here that appreciate your shit.
Joshua:
Joshua does pretty well in the style department. Always looks like he’s MC at the Georgia African American Debutante Ball.
I’m just not a huge fan of “She’s Got A Way” as a song, but fine, Joshua - you straight. You’re just gonna keep singing songs about girls until I stop talking smack about your gender preference. UNCLE.
This is why American Idol is such a spectacular laughingstock. Backdrop opens to reveal gospel backup singers. Why? Fuck yas all, that’s why.
Skylar:
Tommy clearly wants to to give her a full Silkwood scrubdown but because time is a-tickin’, he just buys her new boots.
“Shameless” is the song and whatever, out of Skylar’s mouth it’s another bouncy country ditty. I love the awkward guys propped about 3 feet away from her, clapping. American Idol knows it’s teenage audience, no?
Elise:
Elise is sexy, so please, Tommy, don’t tart her shit up. I mean, take away the “serious songwriter” beret if you gotta, but the package is solid.
That a boy. Only change: cleavage. I approve. ”Vienna”, a song I do not know but she’s the best. Hot voice. She must have wept when she heard it was Billy Joel night and not “Songs of Diva Vocal Runs” again.
Phil Phil:
Tommy, like any red-blooded human being, knows Phil X 2 is hot shit in a greasy dork wrapping and desperately wants him to own it and ditch the grey shirts and jeans.
Something PhilPhil blatantly ignores. Fuck, is he sexy when he sings and plays guitar. He transforms into a completely different man. Seriously, look at the two screencaps above. It’s the same guy! I know, right?
Hollie:
In person, cute as a button on a puppy. On stage, looks like a 55 year old performing in a local low-budget “Streetcar”. If anyone is desperate for a style intervention, Hollie is it.
Oh. Kay. Is she on stilts? That’s genuinely odd. And they paint makeup on her face in the 1982 New Jersey palette. Back to the drawing board, kids.
Motherfucking Hailey Reinhart in the audience, peeps! Gawd, I missed her mall-crimped side swept perm, massive earrings and double middle finger attitude. Look at her! LOOK! It’s like your high school yearbook came to life and slapped you.
Heejun:
Tommy: ???????? Heejun: ?????? Us: Oh for fuck’s sake, just put a suit jacket and fedora on him and send his odd ass out the door. Don’t try and figure out the enigma that is Heejun Han. It will give you brain cramps.
Neither I nor American Idol voters like this stunt queen nonsense - starting really slow, then telling the piano player “It’s a-too slow!”, then ripping open your jacket and singing “My Life” like a drunk Korean karoke singer. <Sigh>. I was hoping Heej would avoid being the Sanjaya of season 11. Sadness.
Sanchez:
“I fucking rocked sequined disco pants last week, bitch. How you gonna top that? No, I’m genuinely curious, Tommy. G’head, tell me.”
Gorgeous. Sounds like an angel. Double <3.
Colt(exhausted sigh)ton:
Since Colton is what passes for authentic Tennessee hipster and Tommy does not design for skunk hair, they leave him pretty much alone.
“Piano Man”. C’mon, bud. Really? The song anyone who’s ever been in a dimly lit city bar has yelled drunkenly with their friends? That song? What’s next week, Jimmy Buffet? Barf.
American Idol 11: Top 12…no, scratch that, 11!
I’m two weeks behind because I was in Kentucky. Don’t ask. I said DON’T! Let’s barrel through this, shall we? I need to be up to speed.
Fact: totally sporting a lady boner whilst telling everyone Jermaine Jones got shit-canned for being a criminal. Just tingly all over.
I don’t know either, JLo. You look like a hostess in a Szechuan restaurant, Steven is caballero after Labor Day and Randy still cannot believe he’s the King AND President of the Goddamn Lucky Club for making gajillions of money for doing absolutely nothing. I am also confused.
Songs from the year you were born. Awesome. I get to sit here and go “Hey, that song came out when I graduated college.” UP YOURS, 16-25 year olds!!!
LET’S ROLL!
Phil Squared
Father cries recalling his difficult birth and like most men, it’s not a pretty cry.
That fucking horn section. Every year. Sings “Too Hot To Handle” and it’s sexy-slash-dorky, just like Phillip Phillips. Made everyone’s pants move ever so slightly, so still in it.
Jessie Sanchez
Big surprise, she was adorab-HOLD THE FUCK ON. What in the high holy hell? Helloooo, Mr. Sanchez!!!! Wowza. Jessie, I’m gonna guess, has quite a few friends just “stopping by” the Sanchez homestead because that is one hot dad. I dunno what on God’s green earth you pulled to snag that piece, Mrs. Sanchez, but - WELL DONE.
This right here - peek inside the mind of every gay man and you’ll find a gorgeous diva in sparkly sequin pants. Bitch knows her audience and she’s in this shit to win it. Team Sanchez.
Heej!
Everyone is all “Why is Heejun still in it?” Here’s two reasons:
Fucking BAM and BAM. Makes sweet, sweet love to the camera and has the most cartoonish Korean parents ever. How could you not vote Heej?
He appears to have a genuinely dry and funny sense of humor but whenever he sings, it’s all straight-forward serious and it just hits the stage like a lead balloon. Liven that shit up, Heejun. Lookit your parents dance the two-step in synch. Like that.
Elise
Yes, let’s relive last week when Elise was chosen over gay Care Bear Jeremy. It was a happy/sad moment.
I dig her husky torch songs. She gets no love from the judges and Iovine all but spits on her, but I like her guts.
Deandre
“76 Trambones” again. Few parents would indulge a boy in baton twirling and tip-tapping to the “Music Man” and it speaks really fucking highly of his mom and dad that they went one better and bought him the fucking band outfit. LOVE.
Another hot dad. Let’s do a reality show on that. This is a really good mix of genes, it explains why Deandre is so pretty.
If only he didn’t style himself after Kenny G at a 1998 Concert for the Environment. Nothing about this look is remotely contemporary. He does not have a powerhouse voice so he needs to compensate elsewhere and the ill-fitting Men’s Warehouse suit is doing him zero favors.
Shannon
Hey, did you know that Shannon’s dad was a major league pitcher? Of course you didn’t - because you are part of the gay man, tween girl, middle aged woman demographic of American Idol, he may as well be from Mars. Don’t worry, they will show this picture every time she’s mentioned. Dude gets more screentime then Shannon.
Up yours for being born after I graduated college. I know it’s not your fault, but seriously. Screw off.
There’s that American Idol subtlety and nuance. Fucking 8 cellos and smoke. Good gracious.
Colton
His birth picture made me laugh out loud. His mom - like most woman who’ve just pushed a 7 to 8 pound human being out of her vagina, is fully made up in the latest 90’s Revlon and clip-on earrings from Zales. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually had a C-section and was still all “Gimme my peach hair clip in my Caboodles case, now!” before this picture was taken.
Yet another DILF. Seriously, this is starting to be a pattern.
The emo kids have a leader and his name is Colton Haines. Sings songs no one who doesn’t wear black mascara and fingerless gloves from Hot Topic would know. He’s a good singer, though.
Van Pelt
Insisted on not only playing softball but boy’s softball. Mmmmm-hmm. That’s when a mom says to herself “Well, I suppose I don’t have to worry about teen pregnancy.” You rock that fastball, Van Pelt!
That background kills me. It’s like she’s walking down the steps. I love her Alison Moyet full throttle voice and her full-figured sexiness. Like Elise, she s the bastard step-child as far as judges and Iovine are concerned. That’s ok, Erica - you got fans.
Jermaine
Awk. Ward.
Skylar
Either banged her head while throwing a tantrum or regularly beaten and her parents are expert liars. Could go either way.
Great pipes but the whole honky tonk country sung by a hippy girl in tight jeans and ginormous earrings was done last year. It’s old hat, girl. Mix that shit up.
Mantasia
Joshua shows us all how the natty homosexual gospel singer comes to the party.
Not entirely sure how sessy Joshua came from these two, but that’s the mystery of genetics, ain’t it?
Hot vocal stylings and a genuine stage presence. No one mentions that a gayish man singing “When a Man Loves a Woman” makes everyone uncomfortable. Swishy Jacob tried that shit last year and they were all “Yeah, no.”
Hollie
Mysteriously has straight-up British parents. Huh. That is unexpected.
Celine Dion is exciting to woman and gay men over 45. No one else. That dress looks like the backdrop of a $2 magic show in Reno. The floor lights, clearly a new thing, are over-used to the point of exhaustion. Step it up, darlin’. You got the goods, now come on down to 2012 and act your age.
American Idol 11: Top 13
I love how American Idol insists that it’s a contemporary music competition and then starts the show with the kids snappin’ and a-clappin’ to Motown like it’s the swankiest 60’s shindig in the East Village. Also, these two?
In love. Always together, never apart. Don’t give me this “Bromance” nonsense, PhilSquared cannot resist the Heejun charms but then who among as can?
Judges?
Yeah, we see him, JLo. He’s still here. This is downright demure for Lopez and the lack of camel toe in a slack that tight around the vulva is surprising and fortunate. Tyler exclaims “Loud and proud!” About his Lichtenstein-inspired jeans, no doubt. I would be too.
Have I sat through 400 of these things? Wow, it feels like 4000!
So here’s the chicks. Love them. Every one. They seem like a genuinely hot bunch to hang with, even the giant Born-again who double waves like an infant. The AI style team has done good work sandblasting the rough edges of these girls and they all look very pretty.
The Boys! Messes. The whole lot of them. If a boy wins this year, ladies - just retire from singing all together. I mean your entire gender, not just the ones on this show.
So. Guys v. Girls tonight. Ladies, fuck ‘em up! Ooh, Mary J Blige is here - yummy. Girls are singing Whitney because her corpse is just cold enough to make money off of and hey, let’s start the girls off trying to emulate one of the world’s best singers. That’s fair. Boys are singing Stevie Wonder, which should be interesting. Literally none of his songs aren’t completely awesome yet contestants on AI rarely do them justice.
Joshua:
Totally plotzed to meet Mary J and I don’t blame him one iota. Jimmy Iovine just creeps me out. Is he one of those little kids that has that aging syndrome? That’s what he looks like. Mary gives great advice while crossing her legs and patting her weave like she’s at the beauty salon getting her hair did and let me just say - JLO, you watch your ass. Mary J would look just dandy sitting’ in your seat.
Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish” - it’s good. I wasn’t impressed with him in the semi’s but he prances around stage and hits the notes with a fun energy that will serve him well. He’s a bit femmy, which is great for Old Skool R&B but makes any discussion of his church background…uncomfortable. Nice job, Mantasia.
Elise:
Oh, there’s my girl in her “I’m a serious songwritress” hat bringing “Greatest Love of All”. Both Mary and Iovine visibly wince at that choice. Cheesy and cannot be replicated. They steer her instead to karaoke “I’m Your Baby”, essentially dooming her to an early exit on this show and she knows it.
She gives it the old college try and sounds nicely husky but Whitney night is not going to do Elise any favors. This is a Hollie, Jessie Sanchez genre. I hope people like her as much as I do and vote for her.
Jermaine:
This one. Whatever he sings, it will sound like it’s from the local production of “Show Boat”. He’s going with “Knocks Me Off My Feet” and I love Mary J. and her ginormous earrings. Love her. Bitch knows music.
Huh. I don’t get it. It’s fine but nothing exciting. His voice wants to go to a velvety place but gets stuck. He inspires a lot of kindness, which is nice. But it means he will stick around long past his expiration date which will be both unfair and annoying.
Erika:
Mary J says her tone is “like steak and potatoes, not celery and peanut butter”, a compliment that says so much about Mary J and why I adore her. I, too, equate things with food. Iovine is all “Listen, she can sing better than most of the other girls but I ain’t pimping out the big girl, so move on.” He’s such a fucking ass.
It’s good, not amazeballs. Someone like her needs to immediately throw the fuck down and devastate and she didn’t, so I’m worried. I love me some Van Pelt.
Colton:
Colton and R&B have never really met, so Mary and Jimmy have him play a screechy emo tune of his own making to get ideas on how to squeeze his tortured goth rock into a smooth Stevie box. Good luck, kids.
Goes with some boring ballad that suits neither his voice nor the audience. He’ll stick around because his non-threatening “edgy” good looks make the young girls hit the phones. But man, it’s increasingly clear how unapproachable both Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston are to most of these singers.
Shannon:
Mary J looks terrified of her and who wouldn’t be at first blush. She’s a gigantic, hyper-energetic blond who probably votes against gay rights but then uses you as an example when insisting she “has gay friends”. I know the type, Shannon.
Boy, nothing like Whitney Houston night to really pinpoint every weakness these kids have. Still sounds like she’s a finalist in Miss Tampa and looks like she just finished closing up after her PM shift at Claire’s. Not really a good fit for “I Have Nothing”, a song that is the epitome of desperate longing. Shannon sounds like she’s super-pissed they’re out of her favorite concealer.
Deandre:
He was shocked as shit last week that his Teen Beat baby-faced cuteness wasn’t a vote getter and let me tell you, he wasn’t alone. Maybe it was all the perm-flipping like you were an 80’s porn actress faking an orgasm? That might have been part of it.
Let’s reggae this shit up. Oh God, remember Naima and her nonsense last year. I miss her. His voice is actually tailor made for Stevie and his energy has greatly improved when he isn’t mistaking whipping that hair for natural charisma. The style update is working.
Skyler:
Hysterical. She’s like “Ah grew up in the Deep South and we don’t listen to no coloreds.” She didn’t say that, but let’s face it - she did. Mary: “Mmmmmm-hmmmm…..”
“Where Do Broken Hearts Go?” - what a pretty song this is. I like this Skyler, her voice is very Dolly Parton and that’s the quickest way to get me to tolerate Country. Nice pipes on this girl - best performance so far.
Heejun!!!!:
Actually bows to the audience out of honor. Everyone go home, we have our winner. Cannot wait until Mary J meets him. On cue, she finds his thousand-mile stare and dry humor to be, shall we say, off-putting. Here is your membership to the club, Mary J.
“All is Fair in Love” whispered into the microphone held far too close, while his face hovers in the background like the Wizard of Oz. Afterward, bows to the band and audience multiple times. Oh, Heej. <3
Hollie:
Once again, Mary J steps in and shows these whities how you sing a motherfucking song. You can read on their faces “Well fuck, I’ll NEVER sound like that.”
Pretty, pretty. Her Naomi Watts-ishness is enticing. And a surprisingly robust voice. She sounds loads better when she isn’t singing Pocohontas. She’s gonna go far, this one if she doesn’t bore the shit out of everyone.
Jeremy:
Fails to impress Mary during rehearsal, which for a gay is akin to disappointing God. Begs to be forgiven and because she’s the best, she does.
He’s adorable. And sounds fine. But because he’s not Heejun odd nor Deandre pretty, he’s in a tough spot. I like listening to his voice, though. More than any other male singer on here. Just lacks confidence.
Sanchez:
Just adore her. And she’s doing “I Will Always Love You”. Why? Because she’s Jessie Sanchez and that’s how she rolls. Fuck these other trifling songs, she’s gonna go right for the big one.
Sounds terrif but let’s face it - it’s a Jessie kinda night. Emotive ballads. But she kills a pretty tough song - so good on ya, Sanchez. See you in the final 2.
Phil X 2:
Iovine says “He comes with batteries included”. I don’t know what he means and yet I do, get me? Gets very Joe Cocker when he sings, but it’s hot.
Yeah, you’ll be in the finals, bitch. Just relax until that inevitability. You’re cute, work a guitar like a pro and without looking like the spokesman for Summer’s Eve. Class. It’s nice to have a crush to fixate on while watching this show.
————-
Predictions: I feel worried for Elise and Jeremy.
American Idol 11: Let’s Cut Some Bitches!
The semi-finals of American Idol are always the best and the worst time to watch. It’s the best because, like the 1¢ slot machine room of a river boat casino, it’s where the largest amount of freaks congregate and my God are they fun to watch. It’s sad because our time together is…so brief. In one fell swoop, they cut half the ho’s loose to go back to the soul-crushing obscurity they honesty thought they’d escaped. Hey, remember those videos we showed last night about how happy and gloaty you were to have been snatched away from that desolate purgatory that God abandoned eons ago? Here’s a one way ticket back.
Elimination nights are usually watched in fast forward. I can’t handle the manufactured tension and brazen fucking with the contestants. It got old a long time ago. I stop for two things:
- The Group Sing at the beginning because it’s such a clusterfuck of bad lip syncing and clumsy Miss Universe choreography. There’s always have one or two “authentic” rockers who wear their abject humiliation like the heaviest of anchors and there’s always at least one queen who is super jazzed and fantasizing he’s Beyonce’.
- The Ford Car commercial - amusing in and of itself, but sometimes (rarely) kinda cool.
That’s it. Everything else I just FF through - asking the contestants how nervous they are, making them stand on stage for what seems like hours, then forcing them to the Victory Benches or Shame Stools depending on how may votes they got. Sometimes they haul out the hated Q&A email’s from fans and I find words to be petty and useless in my attempts to describe how much I despise that.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? Who’s going on to the main event? I beg the universe that we are not stuck with another year of all country, I ask that there be some spazzes of the Heejun or Grimm variety and I ask for at least one flamer. Any flamer. Not including Ryan.
First up: Jeremy Rosado, who sold Sara Bareilles and I bought it wholesale. Phil Phillips, he of the double name and sexy rocker shtick. And Chase Likens, country bumpkin who tucks his shirt in like a math nerd.
Joey’s guess. I’d be shocked if sessy PhilPhil wasn’t in and I really want Jeremy to stick around. Chase can take it to CMT and stay there.
Verdict: Out - Jeremy (well fuckitall) and Chase (thank you, America). PhilPhil is, of course, still in it to be eye molested by yours truly week after week. I think I like him because he puts zero effort into his appearance. Seriously, he looks like he just undressed after shoveling snow.
Next up: Jessie Sanchez, who dared to take on Jennifer Hudson. Adorable Hollie Cavenaugh and her Pocohantes nonsense I hope she’s gotten out of her system. Brielle Von Hugal, who gambled that 15-18 year olds prefer the classics of Otis Redding to anything recorded in the last 25 years. And finally bodacious, blond Hallie Day who made me wonder what the gang from “WKRP in Cincinnati” are up to these days.
Joey’s Guess: I think Jessie and Brielle have the best shot at moving on.
Verdict: Sanchez is in. Hollie, not Hallie. Apparently the viewing audience does not care to sit on the dock of the bay, so my best friend from New Yawk Brielle takes a seat.
Um…ok: Adam Brock, channeled his inner black woman and it was like waching your dad drunk on Ameretto Stone Sours do the Chicken Dance at a wedding. Heejun Han, the light of my fucking world and finally, Joshua Ledet, who Mantasia’d Jennifer Hudson into the ground.
Joey’s Guess: Geez. As much as I’d LOVE Heejun to stick around, I think he has about as much chance as them bringing Sanjaya back. I didn’t think Joshua had a chance but he might in this group or it could be a “send em all back” psych out.
Verdict: Holy shit, the Han is in! I have never been more happy to be wrong. He and Joshua take their seats. Adam takes his inner diva and parks it.
Girl Group 2!: Giant Jesus gal Shannon Magrane, singer of inspirational songs no one knows. Skyler Laine from the boondocks and her fellow rednecks, Chelsea Sorrell and Baylee Brown.
Joey’s Guess: Oh just send the lot of them home. Three country singers and the gospel girl. I would give my left nut to just move on without them.
Verdict: Shannon is in. Both Elise Tostino and I cannot hide our judgement. Look:
Uh huh. That’s the look on my face too, Elise. We all heard the song she sang but apparently being model tall and American Girl pretty goes a long way on this show. Imagine that. Skylar gets a ticket to proceed and the other two are sent back to Hicksville. I can live with Skylar in. She was the least offensive.
Guy Group!: Oh, Grimm. Never leave. Reed and his toddler-level energy is next with quirky Creighton and Marcellus, who I don’t even remember singing. He was that memorable.
Joey’s Guess: Seriously no clue. Could be any or none.
Verdict: HUH. Marcellus. The least noteworthy. Well that just sticks in my craw, America.
Hit it, Gals: Jen Hirsch was one of 17 people who sang Adele. Let’s all get used to that. Hallie Johnson showed us her tween bedroom and somehow fucked up the Eurythmics. Both Erica Van Pelt and Elise Tostino were almost too good for this show.
Joey’s Guess: I’d be thrilled if we got Elise and Erica.
Verdict: Just Elise, which I can live with.
Last Boys! Giant Jermaine Jones with the low bass voice even deaf people can hear. Adam Lamb-I’m sorry, Colton Haines and his gothic rockery. Wee Eben Franckewitz and Polynesian heartthrob Deandre Brackensick.
Joey’s Guess: Deandre made the lil girls squeal with his non-threatening preciousness, so please. Colton probs in, Eben could go wither way. Jermaine put me to sleep.
Verdict: Well damn- both I and the shrieking girls are shocked. America was not swayed by Deandre’s baby blues to overlook his thin voice. Pleasantly surprised there, you guys. The rest of the contestants on stage are all “The fuck just happened?” Colton’s in and, yuck, Jermaine.
WILD CARD! Judges get to rescue has-beens from the discard pile by making 6 people sing and picking 3 to move on. So for three people, it’s a double “no thank you”. HARSH. Both Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson were Wild Cards.
Randy picks Jen Hirsch and her jeggings to give it another go. Uh, ok. Wasn’t blown away by her and she doesn’t do anything with her performance to make me feel otherwise.
Jlo picks Jeremy, that’s my girl!! Jlo, not Jeremy, though it applies. He’s awesome.
Steven picks Brielle, who almost knocks down Ryan. KEEP THIS BITCH. Gives it her all, but I think she’ll be twice disappointed tonight.
Three more! Randy picks - ok, that’s unsurprising - Deandre. Listen, boy is on the bottom of the bunch vocal-wise but if you think the producers are gonna let baby blue eyes who makes the teen girls squeal walk out the door, you are high. Does an alright job. I don’t hate, though, because he seems genuinely kind.
Jlo - oh, you are two for two tonight, darling. Van Pelt! I should go easier on your wardrobe choices because of this. I won’t, but I should. And she sings Gaga “Edge of Glory”. She’s in, guys. I don’t care what your opinion is. She’s a big girl and I love her. SHE’S IN, I SAID.
Steven picks the Grimm. Hooray. Don’t fuck it up, Reed. Tighten it up, don’t freak ou- oh, so there goes the shirt. And he’s kneel-walking. He’s fun and a blast to watch. And cute even though he unnerves almost everyone.
WILD CARD WINNERS
Van Pelt - wise choice!
Rosado - well, this Wild Card round is just the best thing that’s happened all night. Give me Grimm and I’m gonna marry Wild Card and make it my life partner.
Deandre. Over Reed busting his ass all over stage. Typical.
American Idol 11: Gal’s Semifinals
Girls! You’re up! Right now! Wow, there hasn’t been a girl winner in five seasons, Ryan? That’s enormously sad considering the fact that the last 5 winners all but disappeared off the face of the earth. Lessee - there was Lee DeWyze, Kris whatshisface who beat Adam Lambert - ALLEN, that’s his last name. Who else, oh, the goth dude, David. He beat the boy who honestly looked like a child. He vanished. Who else? One, two, three, four, who else am I missing? Not the grey haired dude who ended up in a touring production of “Grease” as Teen Angel. OH, last year. McCreary. Shameful, girls. That is a shameful legacy to constantly lose to.
Les Judges!
Last year Steven Tyler could easily have been mistaken for a California late-in-life lesbian who just returned from a 3 night Sister’s Solstice drum circle camping trip in Death Valley so this year he is determined to not make that same mistake, come Hell or high water. Jlo’s instructions to her wardrobe people are simple: “Inappropriate for both my age and body type, please.” Randy is still trying to work the English boarding school head boy look as to not be confused with “The X Factor“‘s L.A. Reid, the other African American singing show judge who offers mealy-mouthed, halfassed opinions.
Are the boys still here?
Yup. Ladies, this is what you have to beat to end the 5 year girl curse. I mean…YOU HAVE TO.
Ladies?
That’s how you work an intro, bitches. Stop with the demure waves. Either give me 70’s dutch pornstar profile or wave open-gaped like a spastic 6 year old. Look and learn. As with the fellas, it’s any song you like + film your hometown and family. Neither will be very original.
First up? Chelsea Sorrell, 23:
So glad I have their names in a list that I can copy and paste because Chelsea’s North Carolina twang made me hear “Ha, ahm Chilsa Soray!” It’s a quick, mumbly patois, is what it is. Shows off her hick town with two stop lights and the only food store, a “Bi-Rite” where I would assume literally anything goes. Totally shopping there. Chelsea - total doll and honestly, America, it’s our goal to make sure she never goes back to Stokesdale. That shit was grim.
Carrie Underwood, which is smart for a female country singer on this show. That strategy propelled Lauren Alaina all the way to the Final 2. I like this chick a lot but I cannot handle another season of country. I just can’t.
Erica Van Pelt, 26:
Oh, thank God - she’s not a country singer from some nightmare town in the sticks. She’s a boisterous DJ who rides mini bikes with her friends. Relief floods through me in waves. Go far in this, Erica - I beg of you.
“What About Love” by Heart and she totally rocks both Ann Wilson’s plus-sized silhouette and low vocal range. It’s impressive, but I’m worried. She doesn’t have the soft core porn looks that always get the votes and that always means the Finals are a bunch of seriously pretty girls who can’t sing. Fucking vote for her, you guys. Eschew dime a dozen.
Jen Hirsch, 25:
I love dorks and Jen has it in spades. Hangs with her Daugter (not a misspell) and shlubby Jewish boyfriend at her family’s spacious California vineyard and Chelsea Sorrell is watching this video thinking “Well, they have box wine at Bi-Rite…” Both I and Chelsea would like your life, Jen Hirsch, 25.
Singing Adele, so let’s break out the long empty road backdrop we reserve for the country singers. Time to visit iStock for a refresh, American Idol. It’s good, not incredible. Hits some promising notes at the end but lacks a constant melody. Also: her prominent jaw distracts me into thinking about Frankenstein or Rumer Willis.
Ryan asks Randy about the competition so far and Randy actually says something that is, much to my shock and awe, right: mainly the guys should be very, very worried.
Brielle Von Hugal, 17!
A 17 year old girl from Staten Island. I’m gonna tell you right now, you can be beating kittens in your video and I’m still gonna root for you.
Look at that lip color. It’s bright pink. Best friends? I think so.
“Sitting in the Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding, great choice but TOUGH. It starts super low and your voice has to have a sincere presence if you don’t want to sound like you are whispering. Starts by the boys because she’s a hottie New York cheerleader and she knows what sells. Smart girl. Once the song kicks into high gear, she fucking owns it. Damn, Bree. This whole night is just making the guys look like Amateur Hour.
Hallie Day, 23 from Baltimore:
The world needs more stewardess chic and Hallie is just the girl to bring it. Coffee, tea AND you, Hallie! She’s married to the biggest ginger goombah and seems all business.
Everything about this chick is “Loni Anderson visits the Dolly Parton Variety Hour” and I can’t get enough. Sings Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” and it’s A for effort but not very memorable. She’s got the pipes but “Feelin’ Good” needs the velvety experience of Nina or, and I’m ashamed to believe this, the douchbag swagger of Michael Buble to really work. Hallie doesn’t give it anything distinctive and that’s making me think it’s going to be forgettable.
Skyler Laine, 18:
Ska-ler frum Miss-ah-sip-ee! Listen, I don’t mean to act like some big city snob but all last season was this aw-shucks country hokum and I’m fucking done with it. You got your Scotty McCreary, South. He won. Oh great, she wants to help her family store out that’s struggling. Now I’m an asshole because I don’t care.
OK, you throw an entrance like this at Joey Marrazzo and your stock is gonna rise. Know that. Singing “Stay With Me” from a band called Faces, whatever. Another country song from the POV of a sassy, angry girl. More Carrie Underwood territory. She’s good, though - they ALL are, which is a problem. Some will get lost in the shuffle. I see Skylar sticking around and I guess I can tolerate that.
Amanda Seyfried…I mean Baylee Brown, 22!
ANOTHER country singer. We ain’t having this again, America - I already told you. Texas this time, so barns, horses, empty high school stadiums because there’s no football game so who cares.
Lonestar’s “Amaze. Nope. Wavering and unsure, sounding like she’s singing through a walkie talkie. Very pretty and that’s all she has to hang her hopes on because there’s a already a billion country singers in this thing and she ain’t even close.
Hollie Cavenaugh, 18:
What a cutie - tiny, like puppy. Lives in Texas but, thank the sweet baby Jesus, won’t be bringing the country. She is singing “Reflection”. …oh dear.
It’s the “Pocohontas” song, you guys. Nothing says “I should really be in a Miss Teen USA pageant” than singing a Disney ballad. It never works in your favor. It’s a rookie move. But…very strong voice and look at those eyes! Gaga, Katy Perry. Those are your friends here, Hollie. Get to know them.
Haylie Johnson, 23:
Has the bedroom of a 12 year old, so right off: startling.
I had this chick pegged as overly whimsical from her picture and for once I was not far off.
Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams”, looking all Bardot. It’s…not great. Off key and moany, even when she tries to salvage it with high notes. The whole production is odd and the judges, for once, are not kind. I’ll be very surprised if she makes it.
Shannon Magrane, 16:
Wait, how old? Dang. Gorgeous and tall, if she makes it into the top 13, she’s going to have to spend a lot of time making small talk with nervous boys who “just happen” to be walking past her room. Probs used to it.
What’s she singing? ”Go Light Your World” by who? Kathy Ticcoli. Oh, born again, called it. My predictions with the girls are a smidge more spot on than with the guys. Here’s the thing: outright religion does not do very well on AI, but who knows. She’s not singing it like gangbusters here, very “talent portion of Christian Beauties 2012”. Likeably doofy but the unabashed religion is very much a risk.
Jessica Sanchez, 16:
Damn, these girls are young. From San Diego, why you people gotta be flaunting your warm weather at us cold Midwesterners? That’s cruel. Her family is adorable and her favorite thing to do as a 16 year old girl is to shop. Groundbreaking stuff there.
Singing Jenny Hudson - hoo boy. Good luck, Sanchez! Huh, her voice is almost identical to Jhud, well without the power and control. It’s ok but they’ve already mentioned she’s had voice problems. Picks up steam at the end nails the final note plus she’s gorj, so she’s in a good spot here.
Elise Testone, 28:
Who is right now thinking “Awesome. Put me right after the two hyper-cute 16 year olds. Fuck yas all”. Kinda love her - from Jersey and definitely at an age where she doesn’t think this is all some pre-ordained miracle reserved only for her like some 16 year olds I won’t mention. She rightfully understands this is a very lucky break and she needs to capitalize. Do it, Elise Testone!
Adele. We will hear a lot of Adele but there are worse people to emulate. I dig this husky-voiced piano shit. I dig it a very deep hole. There’s a line between good singers on AI and singers on AI who I’d actually download their songs for. She a keeper and I hope she sticks around to counter the country trixies that run wild through the girls group.
————————————
Singing wise - made the guys look foolish, but the guys make far better song choices. They can learn from each other, is what I’m saying.
American Idol 11: Boy’s Semifinals
Okay producers, stuff Jlo’s thick haunches into a Versace romper that you switched the size tags on as per her contract, slap Steven Tyler awake with a Strawberry-cocaine smoothie followed by a Percoset chaser and have Satan give you Randy’s soul back for an hour or two so he can make milions being just the most useless of all useless. Pennies look at Randy Jackson and think “Dude, what exactly is your purpose other than to take up space?” Hypocritical of them, yes. But true.
“It’s Season One One! DUDE!”
Oh, how I long to karatay chop you in the sternum. And burn that shirt.
The new bitches! Time to see how accurate my predictions were (spoiler alert: zero percent). Ryan, on stage with the thunder SFX and all the contestants in a line wearing various blousy shirts (girls) and hoodies (fellas) and hair product (fellagirlies). My God, he loves this - walking down the line of terrified kids like the fanciest of drill sergeants until he can emote: “THIS….is American Idol”, only to have it ruined by Heejun Han, the Asian nerd, who mouths the words with him.
RUINER. Ryan will have a producer tell an assistant to relay to a PA to mention to Heej to knock off the focus pulling when RyRy is on stage. You’d think they’d learn by now. But no.
Let’s meet our boys!
OH. This is gonna be a DELICIOUS fucking season. Just surpassing anything that preceded it. I can barely contain myself. Also - TEAM HEEJUN.
Here’s the gals:
Cute in an extremely nondescript way. Perfectly professional. Up your game, ladies!
Alrighty, so it’s “Pick Any Song You Want” - which you’d think would open up the show to really awesome song possibilities like Mumford & Sons or Fun or Lana Del Ray, but usually means we get the one billionth Celine Dion cover or something you’d hear at a wedding like Gavin DeGraw. They also bring home a camera to film. Great, now I get to be that asshole that judges your hometown and/or family as well. I’m not above that.
First up -26 year old Reed Grimm from Ellsworth, Wisconsin:
Instantly love. Talks like the slow bagger at your local Jewel, loves cheese and embraces his inner spaz with an abandon that borders on clinical. That’s an American Idol trifecta right there.
“Moves Like Jagger” - excellent choice. Lanky, adorable, does Tai Chi while he sings - and boy, the fucker can sing. Bumps and grinds like a day shift pole dancer then saunters over to a drum set and plays, wide mouthed, like Animal from “The Muppets”. Just a complete lack of any self-consciousness. Who’s jazzed about this season the first singer in? Joey. This one’s has the chops to stick around, kids, but only if (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) he doesn’t creep viewers out. Getting your herky jerky on is great, just don’t cross the line into embarrassing. Talk to last year’s Paul McDonald about that. He knows the deal.
27 yr old Adam Brock:
A man I pegged from his picture as a dickwad but in reality is a paunchy, middle age-looking father who is a certified chef. Well, that wasn’t even close, Jojo. He jokes that there is a large, black woman trapped inside his body and I will not tell him that he’s actually harboring an effeminate gay. Shhh, don’t tell him. He’s sweet.
Oh, Aretha Franklin’s “Think”. Huh. Simon Cowell’s face would just be a gigantic “O” right now and I don’t mean orgasmic. I mean as in “What in the high holy fuck?” He’s a good singer, nothing spectacular. It’s just such a huge disconnect watching a dude who looks like a fifty year old Algebra teacher strut around stage with an orange hankie in his pocket (Anything, anytime - damn, Adam) sassing up Aretha. It’s odd. I don’t see viewers flocking to him.
17 yr old Deandre Brackensick:
He is a senior in HS, clearly a hit with the ladies on the show and has, thus far, the best family:
There is nothing about his parents I don’t like. The Loud Queen expression on his dad, the nipple pinching, the cropped jean jacket. Adopt me, Brackensick family. Deandre is tremendously sweet and shows a video of himself as a toddler in full band regalia baton twirlin’ to “76 Trombones”, which makes me dizzy with so many questions.
Deandre needs work and has very little time to find the right people to fix him. His blazin’ eyes and luxurious curls combined with his falsetto singing probably helped moisten a few panties out in America and that could take him a good way into the competition. But he has definite key problems and obvious style issues that just won’t seal the deal. The judges, of course, gasp at what a fucking miracle he is - which, guys, that does these kids NO fucking favors, ‘kay? They need real, actual criticism. Simon would say that the Earth, Wind & Fire song was boring, dated and he sounded weak and if he didn’t look like a young, slightly Hawaiian Fabio, he’d be nowhere near this stage. Simon would be booed by the audience yet he’d be right.
Colton Dixon, 21!
Lanky and nicely laid back. Makes his hair a personal project, which has to go over well in his native Tennessee. Not at all the hateful poseur I feared he would be (EXCEPT - no more jumping on pianos. You are banned.)
Wow, Paramore. The goth suburban teens on my block are probably heating up Twitter like gangbusters. It’s good, not groundbreaking - Adam Lambert got there first and better, but I like him and his unassuming quietness. Hope he stays.
19 year old Jeremy Rosado, everybody -
Referred to as the “Spirit Stick” of the group. Mmm-hm. That tells me ever so much. He’s quite sweet and huggable so I instantly feel protective. That shirt with the shiny stripes he wears in his home video is doing a husky body frame no favors, take it from a boy who knows.
Sara Bareilles, wow. Okay. And it’s nice! Hits some impressive notes and otherwise just comes out and kills and that’s how you do it. Jlo looks like she’s gonna cry dramatically black mascara tears and for once I don’t quite disagree with her reaction. More this, Jeremy. Go getcha self some fans, Spirit Stick!
Aaron Marcellus, 27 - you are up next!
Aaron teaches voice lessons in NYC:
…to sassy Boca Raton senior citizens from 1985, apparently. There’s that famed New York sense of style we hear so much about, bearing it’s shoulder in an impetuous display of raw sensuality. Sorry, Aaron - ya ass just got upstaged.
I always instinctively flinch whenever someone on American Idol says they are a voice coach or vocal teacher for other singers because if your voice isn’t pitch perfect and gorgeous, you are going to have to find another gig pronto. Right on cue, Aaron starts breathy and off-key, singing “Never Can Say Goodbye” which is the whitebread of songs. Looks good and seems like a great guy but I do not see him travelling into the Top 12. Judges: “Why are you all looking at us like we have any authority, nay the intelligence even, to accurately assess this performance as it pertains to the popular music we hear today? We’ll just gush like a trio of fools. It’s our thing. It’s what we do.”
Chase Likens, 21, this years “Country Crooner”:
Which means I will know zero songs he will sing and they will all sound like something playing at a deserted roadside diner on a lonely, lonely jukebox. Last years winner at least had the appearance of Howdy Doody come to blessed life while sounding like the demon Pazuzu, so it was at least hysterical to watch. Let’s see what averagely attractive Chase brings.
Contestants on AI should be advised to never bend down and shake hands with girls (who weren’t paid to be there by producers) because it always makes them sound winded. His thin voice needs to be a little richer to pull off this genre of music. The fans of country are a pretty rabid voting block on American Idol, so that can propel anyone who sings it pretty far. Don’t think that will help him, but I’ve underestimated them before.
Creighton Fraker, 28. What’s up, babydoll?
Grew up a total gaywad spaz Preacher’s kid in a small town, which is basically saying “I exited my formative years so very fucked up in the head”. People like that either embrace their inner freak or become some type of sociopath like a serial murderer or a TV televangelist. Creighton moved to NYC, so yay! Gay and loving life in the big city - that’s how you move on, kids. Will he endear himself to voters or make them think “I don’t have the energy to watch this guy mug and prance and wear ironic clothes for 3 months.” Could go either way.
Goes low key with “True Colors” which is a really sweet song but not exactly a barn burner to introduce yourself to America. He’s a good singer but the look and voice all scream “Headed to the touring production of ‘Jersey Boys’” and his entire demeanor is…off-putting. I sincerely admire his “Free to be you and me” vibe, but I have doubts it’s enough to get people excited about voting.
Philip Phillips, 21:
A name he almost always says with a degree of embarrassment. As well he should because what the frick, mom and dad. Really? Did you honestly consign your son to a lifetime of “That’s not your real name, is it?” PhilPhil is cute depending on the angle and what he decides to do with his face. Watch:
HOT.
Oh…kay.
It’s like two different people in the same video.
Pluses: just been effed hair ever so sexily ruffled, chest rug, low, sexy voice that doesn’t sing country despite the fact that he’s from the back woods of Virginia where it’s practically mandatory, sings “In The Air Tonight”, a wonderfully creepy song.
Minuses: Adds a saxophone to the backing track, which takes the song and performance from haunting ballad about revenge served cold to Lifetime Movie of The Week seduction scene where Katie Cuoco lures her married lover into sex on a counter. It’s a poor choice, is what I’m saying. Both the instrumentation and having sex with an obviously obsessive Katie Cuoco.
Verdict: Nice growl, just enough manly masculinity to keep the prized teen girl/adult gay men voting bloc interested but needs to really throw down.
Eben Franckewitz, 15
Swag, you guys. Eben’s got it. So he’s a boy, first off. Not a tiny, tiny lesbian. And he’s not the son from “Two and a Half Men” circa 5 years ago. I will endeavor to notate that in his file. He’s actually a typical fun-filled, rambunctious teenager and I kinda dig him. Also: he’s singing Adele.
I always wonder how one sets fire to the rain, unless it’s gasoline pouring from the sky. But never mind. AI has had many super young singers on the show and it’s always a problem when they sing a song that deals with emotions and feelings that are more adult in nature. It’s weird to see a freshman in H.S. sing about betrayal and longing. Your life is basically still makeout parties and getting drunk on one can of Coors. You have a lifetime to feel the heartache made famous by Adele. Don’t rush it. Total sweetheart, though.
Heejun Han, 22 - someone I’m gonna need everyone to just STOP and drop everything and vote for him. Just do it.
I will go ahead and resubscribe to cable if Heejun and his dancing mom had their own TV show. He volunteeers at a Special Needs mission, so right there - you are pretty awesome, Mr, Han and then goes on to say “I want to show the world that Asians can not only get high scores on SAT’s but also melt their hearts. The females, of course.” TOO LATE. Too. Late. See that puddle on the floor? That’s my heart, Heej.
This Sears Portrait-esque screengrab is all you need to know about his performance - sensitive and sincere, but cheesy. Will not go far, so this is where we begin Operation: Heejun and keep him in the game. It’s a text, bitches - you do it every day.
Joshua Ledet, 19:
Nicknamed “Mantasia” due to, I’m assuming, his resemblance either looks-wise or vocally to past winner Fantasia but let’s face facts here, people. It’s a fucking spectacular Drag name. Somewhere out there in America, some sassy black gay guy who works for tips in Drag Shows under some lame drag name like ‘Rachel Tension” or “Val Trexx” just got a whole new lease on life.
Singing a Jennifer Hudson song, yet another guy singing a diva ballad. Huh. It’s okay. A bit screechy and gospel and lacking any of JHud’s subtlety or control, a fact lost on the fuckheads on the judging panel who have coronaries over his vocal runs. American Idol is where honest praise goes to die.
Surprise Guest Jermaine Jones, 25!
Was apparently not in the Semi-finals but was brought back. He looks like a hulking behemoth until you realize he is standing next to the wee lass that is Ryan Seacrest.
Sings “Dance With My Father” by Luther Vandross, a song that has been sung by almost every Black male contestant on American Idol. It’s totally a default you’d think people would realize no one is really interested in returning to. I mean, Luther’s version was pretty fantastic. He has a low register that just doesn’t blend into melody or a tone you’d want to listen to if you had a choice. I’m afraid his return may be short lived.
My internet source I culled the publicity pics from had some nerdy cowboy named Richie Law, an infant toddler named David Weathers and bland hottie Johnnie Keyser as semi-finalists and they either aren’t or, less possible, are girls and performing tomorrow night. Whatever, alls I know is - it’s not my fault.
________________________
Pretty good start here, a combo of freaks and genuine talent I can work with. No one instantly offends me yet, so that’s good. Heejun and Creighton will probs hover on the bottom right now. And all I will say about that is - how dare you, America.
I am the boy that pizazz built
You will never get the time you spent here back. Never.
Coollios
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